Dale
McGowan
Humanist
Network News "Parenting
Beyond Belief" column
Nothing
focuses the mind like scrutiny.
I can get pretty flabby in my
thinking when I'm just bouncing
ideas against the inside of my
skull. The moment I have to
explain myself publicly, I put
my ideas on a quick and painful
diet.
Since the release of
Parenting Beyond Belief: On
Raising Ethical, Caring Kids
Without Religion, I've had
to tone up my thoughts on
parenting a bit. How can
children be good without
reference to a god, how can we
explain death without heaven --
these questions are a snap.
More challenging are the essential
questions. What is the
essence of secular
parenting? How is it
fundamentally different from
religious parenting? Those are
the questions I love the most.
They are instant liposuction for
my head.
Secular parenting is not
motivated primarily by disbelief
in God. My religious doubts
sprang from thinking for myself,
not the other way around, so
it's freethought, not atheism,
that's down there at the root.
When someone asks for the
foundations of my parenting, I
paraphrase the Bertrand Russell
quote that begins my book:
Good parenting is inspired by
love and guided by knowledge .
In other words, next to the love
of my children, my parenting
philosophy is motivated
primarily by confidence in
reason .
But I've wondered lately if my
more practical parenting
decisions aren't rooted just as
solidly in my confidence in
reason. On reflection, they are
indeed.
Take one example: I don't spank
my kids. This is interesting to
me because religious
fundamentalists spank in
earnest, citing the biblical
injunction "Spare the rod,
spoil the child."
There's something doubly funny
about the invocation of that
scripture. Funny Thing #1 is
that it isn't scripture. Funny
Thing #2 is its actual source --
a bawdy poem by Samuel Butler
intended to skewer the
fundamentalists of his time, the
English Puritans:
What med'cine else can cure
the fits
Of lovers when they lose their
wits?
Love is a boy by poets styl'd;
Then spare the rod, and spoil
the child .
Samuel Butler, Hudibras,
Part II (1664)
He's lampooning the Puritan
obsession with sexual abstinence
as the cure for passion, using
"the rod" in this case
as a wickedly funny double
entendre, and making sly
reference to an actual passage
from Proverbs: He that spares
his rod hates his son: but he
that loves him disciplines him
promptly (Proverbs 13:24).
I never tire of hearing
sex-averse fundamentalists
quoting from a bawdy satire that
was aimed at them -- and
invoking a penis in the bargain.
It's almost as much fun as
watching my homophobic aunts
happily shouting along with the
refrain to "YMCA" as
if it's a song about recreation
facilities. But as tempting as
it is to refrain from spanking
just because fundamentalists
spank, I have a better reason.
That's right: confidence in
reason.
Let me here confess that I have
spanked my kids. It was seldom
and long ago, before I had my
parental wings. I'm still
ashamed to admit it. Every
time it represented a
failure in my own parenting.
Most of all, it demonstrated a
twofold failure in my confidence
in reason.
Every time a parent raises a
hand to a child, that parent is
saying you cannot be reasoned
with. In the process, the
child learns that force is an
acceptable substitute for
reason, and that Mom and Dad
have more confidence in the
former than in the latter.
I try to correct behaviors by
asking them to recognize and
name the problem themselves.
Replace "Don't pull the
dog's ears" with "Why
might pulling the dog's ears be
a bad idea?" and you've
required them to reason, not
just to obey. Good practice.
The second failure is equally
damning. Spanking doesn't work.
In fact, it makes things worse.
The research a.k.a.
"systematic reason" --
is compelling. A meta-analysis
of 88 corporal punishment
studies compiled by Elizabeth
Thompson Gershoff at Columbia
University found that ten
negative outcomes are strongly
correlated with spanking,
including a damaged parent-child
relationship, increased
antisocial and aggressive
behaviors, and the increased
likelihood that the spanked
child will physically abuse
her/his own children.
The study revealed just one
positive correlation: immediate
compliance. That's all. So if
you need your kids to behave in
the moment but don't care much
about the rest of the moments in
their lives -- hey, don't spare
the rod!
Many people think a no-spanking
policy is just plain soft on
crime. And if spanking was the
only way to achieve good
behavior, I might just have to
spank. I have very little
tolerance for kids who are out
of control, whether yours or
mine. Just so you know.
Fortunately, many other things
get their attention equally well
or better, without the nasty
side effects. A discipline plan
that is both inspired by love
and guided by knowledge finds
the most loving option that works.
Spanking fails on both counts.
Instead, keep a mental list of
your kids' favorite privileges
-- staying up late, reading time
before bed, X-box, freedom,
dessert, whatever. If they
really are privileges rather
than rights -- don't withhold
rights -- they can be made
contingent on good behavior.
Choose well, and the selective
granting and withholding of
privileges will work better than
spanking. Given a choice between
a quick spanking or early
bedtime for a week -- heck, my
kids would surely hand me the
rod and clench. Too bad -- the
quick fix is not an option.
The key to any discipline plan,
of course, is follow-through. If
kids learn that your threats are
idle, all is lost.
I
hope it's obvious that all this
negative reinforcement should be
peppered -- no, marinated,
overwhelmed -- with loving,
affirmative, positive
reinforcements. Catch them doing
well and being good frequently
enough, and the need for
consequences will plummet. It
stands to reason.
In
the long run, if our ultimate
goal is creating autonomous
adults, we should not raise
children who are merely
disciplined but children who are
self-disciplined. So if
your parenting, like mine, is
proudly grounded in reason, skip
the spankings. We all have an
investment in a future less
saddled by aggression, abuse,
and all the other antisocial
maladies to which spanking is
known to contribute. Reason with
them first and foremost. Provide
positive reinforcement. And when
all that fails -- and yes, it
sometimes does -- dip into the
rich assortment of effective
non-corporal consequences.
Withhold privileges when
necessary. Give time-outs, a
focused expression of
disapproval too often
underrated.
And don't forget the power of
simply expressing your
disappointment. Your approval
means more to them than you may
think.
Dale
McGowan is the author of
Parenting Beyond Belief: On
Raising Ethical, Caring Kids
Without Religion and a writer,
editor and critical thinking
educator/consultant living in
Atlanta, Ga.
