by
James Huber
You
should visit: http://www.jhuger.com/
This
morning there was a knock at my
door. When I answered the door I
found a well groomed, nicely
dressed couple. The man spoke
first:
John: "Hi!
I'm John, and this is
Mary."
Mary: "Hi!
We're here to invite you to come
kiss Hank's butt with us."
Me: "Pardon
me?! What are you talking about?
Who's Hank, and why would I want
to kiss His butt?"
John: "If
you kiss Hank's butt, He'll give
you a million dollars; and if
you don't, He'll kick the snot
out of you."
Me: "What?
Is this some sort of bizarre mob
shake-down?"
John: "Hank
is a billionaire philanthropist.
Hank built this town. Hank owns
this town. He can do whatever He
wants, and what He wants is to
give you a million dollars, but
He can't until you kiss His
butt."
Me: "That
doesn't make any sense.
Why..."
Mary: "Who
are you to question Hank's gift?
Don't you want a million
dollars? Isn't it worth a little
kiss on the butt?"
Me: "Well
maybe, if it's legit,
but..."
John: "Then
come kiss Hank's butt with
us."
Me: "Do
you kiss Hank's butt
often?"
Mary: "Oh
yes, all the time..."
Me: "And
has He given you a million
dollars?"
John: "Well
no. You don't actually get the
money until you leave
town."
Me: "So
why don't you just leave town
now?"
Mary: "You
can't leave until Hank tells you
to, or you don't get the money,
and He kicks the snot out of
you."
Me: "Do
you know anyone who kissed
Hank's butt, left town, and got
the million dollars?"
John: "My
mother kissed Hank's butt for
years. She left town last year,
and I'm sure she got the
money."
Me: "Haven't
you talked to her since
then?"
John: "Of
course not, Hank doesn't allow
it."
Me: "So
what makes you think He'll
actually give you the money if
you've never talked to anyone
who got the money?"
Mary: "Well,
He gives you a little bit before
you leave. Maybe you'll get a
raise, maybe you'll win a small
lotto, maybe you'll just find a
twenty-dollar bill on the
street."
Me: "What's
that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank
has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm
sorry, but this sounds like some
sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But
it's a million dollars, can you
really take the chance? And
remember, if you don't kiss
Hank's butt He'll kick the snot
out of you."
Me: "Maybe
if I could see Hank, talk to
Him, get the details straight
from Him..."
Mary: "No
one sees Hank, no one talks to
Hank."
Me: "Then
how do you kiss His butt?"
John: "Sometimes
we just blow Him a kiss, and
think of His butt. Other times
we kiss Karl's butt, and he
passes it on."
Me: "Who's
Karl?"
Mary: "A
friend of ours. He's the one who
taught us all about kissing
Hank's butt. All we had to do
was take him out to dinner a few
times."
Me: "And
you just took his word for it
when he said there was a Hank,
that Hank wanted you to kiss His
butt, and that Hank would reward
you?"
John: "Oh
no! Karl has a letter he got
from Hank years ago explaining
the whole thing. Here's a copy;
see for yourself."
From
the
Desk
of
Karl
-
Kiss
Hank's
butt
and
He'll
give
you
a
million
dollars
when
you
leave
town.
-
Use
alcohol
in
moderation.
-
Kick
the
snot
out
of
people
who
aren't
like
you.
-
Eat
right.
-
Hank
dictated
this
list
Himself.
-
The
moon
is
made
of
green
cheese.
-
Everything
Hank
says
is
right.
-
Wash
your
hands
after
going
to
the
bathroom.
-
Don't
use
alcohol.
-
Eat
your
wieners
on
buns,
no
condiments.
-
Kiss
Hank's
butt
or
He'll
kick
the
snot
out
of
you.
Me: "This
appears to be written on Karl's
letterhead."
Mary: "Hank
didn't have any paper."
Me: "I
have a hunch that if we checked
we'd find this is Karl's
handwriting."
John: "Of
course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I
thought you said no one gets to
see Hank?"
Mary: "Not
now, but years ago He would talk
to some people."
Me: "I
thought you said He was a
philanthropist. What sort of
philanthropist kicks the snot
out of people just because
they're different?"
Mary: "It's
what Hank wants, and Hank's
always right."
Me: "How
do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item
7 says 'Everything Hank says is
right.' That's good enough for
me!"
Me: "Maybe
your friend Karl just made the
whole thing up."
John: "No
way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated
this list himself.' Besides,
item 2 says 'Use alcohol in
moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat
right,' and item 8 says 'Wash
your hands after going to the
bathroom.' Everyone knows those
things are right, so the rest must
be true, too."
Me: "But
9 says 'Don't use alcohol.'
which doesn't quite go with item
2, and 6 says 'The moon is made
of green cheese,' which is just
plain wrong."
John: "There's
no contradiction between 9 and
2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as
6 goes, you've never been to the
moon, so you can't say for
sure."
Me: "Scientists
have pretty firmly established
that the moon is made of
rock..."
Mary: "But
they don't know if the rock came
from the Earth, or from out of
space, so it could just as
easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm
not really an expert, but I
think the theory that the Moon
was somehow 'captured' by the
Earth has been discounted.
Besides, not knowing where the
rock came from doesn't make it
cheese."
John: "Ha!
You just admitted that
scientists make mistakes, but we
know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We
do?"
Mary: "Of
course we do, Item 7 says
so."
Me: "You're
saying Hank's always right
because the list says so, the
list is right because Hank
dictated it, and we know that
Hank dictated it because the
list says so. That's circular
logic, no different than saying
'Hank's right because He says
He's right.'"
John: "Now
you're getting it! It's so
rewarding to see someone come
around to Hank's way of
thinking."
Me: "But...oh,
never mind. What's the deal with
wieners?"
Mary: She
blushes.
John: "Wieners,
in buns, no condiments. It's
Hank's way. Anything else is
wrong."
Me: "What
if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No
bun, no wiener. A wiener without
a bun is wrong."
Me: "No
relish? No Mustard?"
Mary: She
looks positively stricken.
John: He's
shouting. "There's no need
for such language! Condiments of
any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So
a big pile of sauerkraut with
some wieners chopped up in it
would be out of the
question?"
Mary: Sticks
her fingers in her ears."I
am not listening to this. La la
la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's
disgusting. Only some sort of
evil deviant would eat
that..."
Me: "It's
good! I eat it all the
time."
Mary: She
faints.
John: He
catches Mary. "Well, if I'd
known you were one of those
I wouldn't have wasted my time.
When Hank kicks the snot out of
you I'll be there, counting my
money and laughing. I'll kiss
Hank's butt for you, you bunless
cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With
this, John dragged Mary to their
waiting car, and sped off.
This
is the "Sanitized"
version for distribution to your
church-going aunt. The original
is here.
NOTE:
This is copywrited material
(from the author & website
of origin)!!!
